Are animal biscuits kosher?

Thanks to Canonist for pointing out this hilarious distraction in our troubled times.

To the Editor of Yated Neeman

Dear Editor,

Poschim b’chvod achsanyah. My family loves reading this wonderful newspaper, as it is the only newspaper that truly belongs in a Torah home.

I would like to share with you an experience that I recently had, one that I found very disturbing. I opened up a box of heimishe-brand animal crackers and was terribly dismayed to see that a whole array of non-kosher animals are featured! What are we teaching our children, to eat treife animals?! Are we chas v’shalom teaching our children to eat bears and elephants?

Wishing to hear a response.
I remain,
F. O. G.

Canonist asked: But seriously, how funny can this get? Some of the responses (the site is great for comments) were quite amusing.

Avraham wrote: “I have this great image of armies of little children roaming the Catskill mountains looking for bears to bring home to their bungalows for dinner.

Also: ”Wouldn’t animal crackers of only kosher animals be horribly boring? Fish, chicken, beef, lamb… well I suppose at least there’s giraffe [which is kosher]."

Jewishwhistleblower exclaimed: "Fish and meat together in the same box?"

D said: "Actually, FOG got the issue all wrong. The problem is Eiver Min haChai since the animal crackers certainly represent living creatures rather than ones geshochted, cooked an on a plate."

Jewishwhistleblower pointed out: "Clearly, if the head is still attached to your cracker it hasn’t been properly shechted. Such crackers must not have heads or, chas v’shalom, our children may learn to to eat giraffes that have not been properly shechted."

Bob added: "D, I am being dan l’kav zchus and assuming that FOG holds by the shitta that if you eat them all in one bite it’s muttar."

And finally: "Unsalted crackers are clearly a problem, chas v’shalom. Though perhaps such crackers could be broiled with direct fire, like liver, and then eaten?"

Hmm. Remember the little blue sachets of salt that used to come in bags of crisps years ago? Perhaps they could be introduced into the kosher brands of animal biscuits for educational purposes, and as a condition for receiving kosher certification.